Sometimes life is good, and it hands you opportunities and abilities that you could never have dreamed you would have. But sometimes life isnt, it takes away those opportunities and abilities and leaves you wondering 'what next?'. But through it all, the good and the bad it is important to remember what you did have, and what you can have again - and to hold your head up high and carry on.

The past month or so has been a roller coaster. Everything has been so up in the air and manic, sometimes it's hard to know if I should be happy things are getting better, or sad because things are getting worse. It's so easy to sit outside of a situation looking in, and make judgements. It's so much harder to carry through any judgements you might have made when it's you in the driving seat - and I am learning that now.

I always thought after my dads accident that I would be forever happy that he came through it alive, and that he can carry on, and that through all the crap we had become closer. But right now I am struggling to think that way. Of course I am happy he's alive, but when I see him in pain and in a situation which means he will be suffering for so long I struggle to remain hopeful and jolly. But I must, the mask must go on and I must put on a happy face and keep going no matter what I really feel. What right do I have to be so upset when it's not even me that's suffering? If this is what it's like for me, what must he be feeling, I can come home, put on some loud music and attempt to drown out the thoughts, imagine that none of this has happened - he can't. He has to live with the consequences of that day for the rest of his life and there is no escape. I know he is lucky to be here, he will walk again, he has not been unfortunate enough to have suffer any sort of brain injury and he can have a life. But it's not HIS life, it's not the life that he is used too and the life he deserves.

But I need to get over that, and be strong for him when he can't be for himself. I've also had the added crap of being in hospital myself. I was doing so well, and had managed to sort myself out into a routine and avoid anything that might set me off. After having had admissions in November, December and January I managed to stay out for the whole of Feburary and March. I was so, so pleased and I was starting to relax and get back into the swing of things with uni and lowering my steriod dosage, but then it all went tits up, excuse my language, and I ended up back in hospital. So now I am back to having to lower my steroids slowly and spending time figuring out if I am actually well enough to do half of the things that I want to do.

 Luckily the weird fibromyalgia/ME like symptoms seam to be easing off. I am still having to take painkillers regularly, but I am not in as much pain as I was before, where I was counting down the minutes until my next dose. I am also a lot more mobile and unless I am going somewhere that I know I am going to be walking lots I can manage without my crutch. Though thanks to my somewhat rebellious lungs I am having to balance my asthma with the pain. I am also getting a lot better with the fatigue side of things, and I am able to do most things as long as I balance those with rest well enough. I tend to spend most of my days off in bed, and have to rest a lot once uni is finished, but I am coping a lot better. Fingers crossed it stays that way, and it doesn't get worse again. However, the fact that I am writing this at 4am also shows that I am struggling to sleep at the moment. Most probably because of the sheer amount of crap I seam to have running through my mind most of the time! Though I am beginning to feel rather sleepy, and for that reason I am going to stop writing and see if I can trick my body into allowing me some sleep.

 Anyway. For anyone who is reading this, I hope you are well and that you are not bored of my ramblings by now, take care, much love - Kirsty xx