Once again, I have been exceptionally terrible and failed to blog recently - though I shouldnt be suprprised, its a fairly expected occourance now and one which I do not appear to fail to conform to. However, once again I am sat at my laptop struggling to come up with something remotely interesting to say, or even come up with something that I can tell you about in a way which is eloquent in any fashion.

This week I received a phone call from a member of staff at Asthma UK giving me some information about their various volunteer roles. One of which is a role requiring me to share my experiences of living with asthma, speaking to groups about the work AUK does and collecting cheques and expressing thanks to donors. I had a most pleasant conversation, and was prompted to think about how I would put my experiences into words, how I would adequately express the impact it has on my life and how, if at all the work of AUK has benefited me. So considering that I am struggling to produce a even slightly interesting post, I have decided that I will have a go at explaining to anyone who has persevered this far the above, and I apologise most propitiously to anyone who is unfortunate enough to attend one of the events at which I am speaking and will therefore hear this again.

I guess I could begin by explaining how people react when they hear about my experiences and how I feel about them all, because there is a possibility that you may react in a similar way. People tend to look shocked when I tell them that being sick doesn't scare me any more, that its just a part of my life now. They look at me like I am mad, either that or they look at me in a way which clearly shows that they feel sorry for me. But they needn't, my life is rich in so many ways, and anything that I lack with regards to my health, is compensated for many times over. However telling you this has caused me to think and question myself, asking myself if anything about this scares me. I suppose the most honest answer that I would give would be that I fear the way this has become second nature to me, normal almost and how I cant honestly imagine my life panning out in any other way. I guess I have in some way lost my identity and taken on a new one, one of a completely different person. I don't even think twice about taking handfuls of tablets, needles don't phase me any more and in A&E the majority of the doctors seam to know me by name, greet me like an old friend and treat me like one.   

If I could have sat down five years ago and made a prediction for the last half decade, I would never have predicted this, but you know what? I wouldn't change any of it, not in a million years, not if I was offered all the worlds riches. This doesn't mean that I don't want to get better, quite the opposite is true in fact. I long to be able to get up in the morning and decide that I am going to go shopping or swimming without having to worry about medication and if I will be able to manage the day out, without having t figure out how my body will cope and if I am willing to risk getting sick for it. I want to be able to go to the pub, dance until 3am and then attempt to stumble silently through the door so that my mum doesn't hear me and tell me off for waking her up. I want to be young and crazy, do a normal 20 year old type thing, have a hangover the next day and be told that its all self inflicted, I want to cringe when people tell me about the silly things I said or did.

However, despite all of these wishes and longing everything i have been through has taught me just what is important in life, what should never be sacrificed, and because of that I would change anything. You learn who your real friends are when you are sick, who really cares for you. Your friends become spilt into two, those who make excuses not to visit because hospitals make them uncomfortable and those who travel for hours to see you or cancel work so that you are not alone.

I have met people who know what asthma can do to a persons life. There are now amazing individuals in my world that can honestly say 'I know how you feel.' and can laugh through the bad times and celebrate the good. They have taught me that its okay to be upset sometimes, and ask 'Why me?', but that the most important thing is just getting up and going on, accepting that this does not have to define or break me and that I don't have to face everything or indeed anything alone.

I have met people who are much, much sicker than me - dying from the effects that asthma has had on their body. I have met people who are were I am now, for whom things have for better and can offer me advice and encouragement, remind me that it can all change - this isn't it. I have also been able to help others, say 'I know how you feel' also and help them laugh through the bad times, hold their hand when everything gets too much and help them forget for a while.

I have become a much more compassionate person, and I have learnt to see the beauty in every dark, dull day - and smile through the pain that it may bring. I have learnt to live every day with a positive outlook and take on every challenge with a smile. But most of al I can say that I will never take another breath for granted, I will never fail to appreciate moments of good health and happiness or forget those who also struggle without them.

I find myself battling to remain sympathetic when people complain about having to have one blood test, a cold or a twisted ankle. It makes me wish that a cold was the least of my worries, and that a cold was just a cold to me. I know that a common cold cold land me in ITU - it has in the not so distant past, that a sickness bug could cause me to go into adrenal crisis or that any attack could be the one that takes my life. But if anything it has made me appreciate every day, hour, minute, second of my life and hold onto all the good that is in it.

But most of all I have realised that people just don't seam to realise how lucky they are, how they should cherish every last scrap of health that they own and never take it for granted. Its hard to truly appreciate something though, until you no longer have it.