It sounds hopelessly melodramaric to say that this week as been one of the most challenging of my life, and almost certainly one which at its end my family will never be the same again, but I can not think of any other way of describing it. Sunday night my dad was in an accident, one which he was more than lucky to come out of alive. Someone was truly watching over him that night, and despite the fact that this is a truly life changing accident, whoever that was saved me from loosing my dad that night. Sunday evening mum had a phone call. I quite often over hear her on the phone, if she hears bad news we get the standard 'Oh my god! That's awful, keep me informed won't you?'. It's normal for mum to get calls like that, working with the elderly, death and illness are part of the job. But something was different, I felt some seance of foreboding about this phone call and I didn't know why, until ashen faced mum came down and told me that dad had been in an accident and broken both legs. I was worried for my dad and I was upset that he must be in a lot of pain, but people break legs all the time, two broken legs, though horrible can't be that bad can they? But it wasn't just broken legs, plaster casts and pain killers were going to do nothing for him. I arrived at the hospital, and when I saw all of my dads wives family in the waiting room suspected that this was more than a couple of breaks. When I was walked around to resus my suspicions were confirmed. He looked so vaunerble, my dad, my strong, proud, bulletproof dad was laying there broken and in pain - and I couldn't do anything about it. I'll never forget the look of confusion and pain in his eyes, he didn't know what had happened to him. He didn't know where he was. All he knew was that he was hurting, and he was scared, and at the point in time I would have done anything, anything I could to have removed that pain and that fear. Over the next few hours I realised just how lucky I was to be standing there holding his hand, and having him looking back at me. I was so close to loosing my dad that night, so close to not having a father to walk me down the isle, and nothing can prepare you for that. I was soon to learn that he had collided with a 4x4 whilst out on his motorbike, and air lifted to the nearest specialised trauma centre they could find. There he was diagnosed with two badly fractured femur's, a broken wrist, a broken arm, a dislocated shoulder, broken nose, broken sinus bone and widespread brusing. The next day they added brusing to the skull to that list. The next day I arrived to find him pale and exhausted, and was informed that over night he had taken a turn for the worse. His sats were worryingly low, when he took his mask off to have a sip of water they promptly dropped to 75%, they suspected that his lungs had been damaged in the accident, and we're ready to move him from ITU to NCCU - but our prayers were answered, and now he is picking up a little. Right now we are all struggling to come to terms with the fact that my dad has been in a life changing accident, that he may never be able to do all the things that he used to do. He's struggling to come to terms with the fact that this is going to be a long, hard road to journey up. I still have my foolish moments, the points in the day where I shut my eyes and tell myself when I open them it will all be over. Or when I'm walking to the bus I catch a glimpse of someone who looks a little like him, and my heart starts for a second, as a glimmer of hope makes me believe the whole thing was a bad nightmare. I'm finding myself clinging on to the last day that we spent together, him walking along, darting out of my was as I go to hit him for some tasteless joke. I wonder if he will ever dart away like that again? I am getting into what now feels like a routine of waking up wishing, going into a long crying jag, stemming my tears long enough to eat and then crying some more before pulling myself together and going to the hospital. The six hours there are painfully slow, and yet the look in my dads eyes when I have to leave him make me wish I never had to leave.. But I have to, and so I go home, cry some more, and fool my body into a chemically induced sleep. I know this routine is going to be my life for a long time, and though I feel selfish for saying so, I don't know how much more of it I can take. I just want my old daddy back, the one who spent most Sundays whiz zing around the countryside on his pride and joy, the dad who would spend hours with us playing tigers and lions, just to keep us amused. I want him well again, and not being able to make that happen makes me want to hide in my little world where nothing is impossible and nothing will cause me sadness.

It has been a while since I last posted on here, I would apologyse to you all - but chances are theres no one to apologise too! I mainly write this for myself to be honest, its a kind of therpy for me, helps me organise my crazy life and thoughts into one simple post (if only it was that easy in real life!). I cant say that anything groundbreaking or life changeing has occoured in the past month or even anything worth reporting.

Uni is going well - my attendance has been slightly shoddy, I have had a few days off because of illness but otherwise all is well. I have also handed in my first UCS history assignment, and I am just starting on an English one, which is due in a couple of weeks. Fingers crossed they go well and they don't both come back as fails - I don't think I would be able to contain my disappointment if that was the case! I am actually enjoying English a lot more than I thought I would. Mainly because at the moment we are reading short stories, so my poor concentration is catered for! I have also fallen in love with my new kindle. So many books on such a small gadget! Its amazing! I really do sound like I should have been born in centuries gone by.

My student loan has also arrived, and thankfully I am in a much better financial situation for it. Even if the student loan company has not thought to go against their general theme of making major mistakes with loan amounts, at least I now have money! I must say i am a terrible with money. I will only ever be rich if the money comes in just as swiftly as it leaves, and I don't think that possible. Though after months of no money, I think i deserve a week in which I get myself all the little bits I have been lacking over the last few months.

Oh, I have also managed to, in my infinite wisdom, drop my iPhone down the toilet. I now have a rather temperamental phone, which is lacking sound, a camera and a home button. Thankfully the water damage only went as far as to damage those areas and not the entire thing. Roll on upgrade day, just cant come soon enough I am telling you that for sure.

I have positive and negative news as far as my health is concerned. Up until recently my chest has been fairly well behaved, I am now on 15mg of pred as a maintaince, which is the lowest I have been on for at least six months! I have only had a few occasional where I have needed to increase it up to 40 for a few days, but I have always managed to get back down to my maintaince dose relatively easily - its a miracle. Rather annoyingly so I am going through a rough patch at the moment, I was very close to making a visit to hotel de la nhs last night, but I managed to get things under control. I must remember though that even though I am going through a rough patch at the mo - things will get better, because they have been so much better recently. One set back doesn't mean I have to start all over again!

The negative news is that a previous near diagnosis of ME/CFS has risen its ugly head with vengeance. My notes now state that I have fibromyalgia and ME - a diagnosis which I resent in every way possible. I guess if it was something like a chest infection, where there are good, established methods of treatment, I wouldn't be so resentful of it. I guess I would even be pleased that my symptoms have been given a name and can now be treated - but no such luck. I am better than I was though - much better. I am now able to get in and out of the bath by myself, and I can manage the occasional walk into town. Though the tiredness and pain that hits the next day is so intense and indescribable that I am not sure if it is worth it. I have also given in and started using a crutch to help me get around, I was finding myself so wobbly that i had lost confidence, as much as i hated admitting i needed it, it has helped. They have also managed to get my general pain a bit more under control, but I am still getting a lot of 'breakthrough' pain, there's not much more they can do except oramorph which I really don't want, so I am trying sleeping tablets in the hope that I can just sleep though the pain and that maybe sleeping well will help me be able to cope with it better. I don't know, I have had one night of good sleep, but I haven't noticed any improvement during the day time yet to be honest.

There is also the very exciting news that a wee Scottish lass called Gilly  is coming to stay with me for a week at the end of this month! we are spending a night in a five star London hotel, meeting the wonderful Kirsten and  spending a day in Cambridge with my partner in crime, Emma! I am going back to the land of the scot's afterwards, where I have been promised a commando Scottish man playing the bagpipes in a kilt and an introduction to some bizarre activity called 'Egg Rolling'. Don't ask me, I haven't a clue.

Anyway, I am going to sign off now, and try to rest my weary head! i promise i wont leave it so long next time!

Muchous Lovas
Kirsty xx